"This is at most, 30% my fault."
"What? How did you come up with that number?"
"All I said was, 'do you want to go play wiffle ball.' I didn't say anything more than that."
"Yea, but there's more than two people that play the game usually. How do you play this with just two people?"
"I see people do it all the time."
"Where? Here?"
"Well, usually it's two guys in their front yard."
"Yeah, a dad and his kid. Not people our age. This is embarrassing."
Despite the ever increasing shame Lauren was feeling, she assumed her batting stance as Beth pitched the ball to her.
"Swing, batta batta."
"Are you serious? You're not going to get competitive about this are you?"
"Are you trying to hurt my feelings? I've already accepted some blame."
"You need to accept all of the blame."
"Fine, let's call people. Where's Brittany Pike? I haven't heard from her or about her in a while."
"She's out of town. I think she's in LA or something. She's auditioning for So You Think You Can Dance."
"Really? I didn't know she could."
"She can't. And I told her that. She's trying to prove me wrong by making it on the show. Actually, she was going to audition for America's Best Dance Crew, but she couldn't assemble a group fast enough. And they didn't go for her idea of dancing on her own."
"Well it seems as though you've just been trying to hurt everyone lately."
At that moment Beth did her best to throw an MLB style fastball. Since it was a wiffle ball however, the ball barely went faster than when she tossed it underhand. Because of the force, both emotional and physical, behind the throw, the ball spiraled wildly out of control before coming into contact with Lauren's neck.
"I'm done."
"What, why?"
"Because you always do this. You turn into Brittany Pike whenever things get competitive."
"No I don't. Hey! There's my mom. We can get her to play."
Lauren looked over to see Beth's mom, Catie, walking through the park while she flailed her arms about her body.
"Oh my god! Does she need help?"
"With what?"
"It looks like she's being attacked by a bee or something. What should we do?"
"Oh, no, that's how she power walks. Her actual speed of walking doesn't change, but because she throws her arms around like that, she think's she's going faster. Hey mom!"
Catie looked over at Beth and Lauren and started power walking their way.
"Hey girls. Whatcha doin?"
"Playing wiffle ball," Beth responded.
"Just the two of you?"
"You know what? I'm going to go to the bathroom, collect my thoughts, and I'll be back soon." Beth threw down the bat and ran, holding back her tears, but not her ugly crying face, to the park restrooms.
Catie turned to Lauren. "Oh you know Beth. She can't handle anything competitive. So how's the sex life going L?"
"I'm sorry?"
"You know. You had any wild rumps in the sack lately?"
"Um, no. Wait, are you talking to me? Do you have a bluetooth in that I can't see?"
"What? Of course not silly. There is of course something somewhere that you can't see though if you know what I mean."
"Oh my god. Catie, why are you telling me this?"
"Oh come on, that's what us girls do. We gab. They didn't call me Chatty Cathy in high school for no reason. Actually they called me…"
"Oh I don't need to know."
''…Dirty Diana."
"Oh ok, that's not so bad."
"And that's because I reached my sexual peak when Michael Jackson was playing."
"Catie, this is only my second time being around you. I'm really not that comfortable with you saying these things."
"You're such a P.A.P."
"What is that?
"Oh I think you know."
"I really don't."
"Yes you do. Just think."
"Oh ok, now I remember."
This type of conversation continued for a few more minutes until Lauren spotted Beth, and with that, salvation.
"Look there's Beth!"
Beth came walking back at that moment looking refreshed and with a kickball in her arms.
"Well girls, I gotta keep my heart rate up. I wish I had another way to keep it up right now. Ciao!" With that, Catie flailed off into another area of the park.
"What is the matter with your mom?"
"You'll have to narrow the symptoms before I can tell you."
"She just started talking to me about all of this sexual stuff."
"Oh, a while ago she started to feel an age separation between us so now she's trying to talk the way she thinks we talk."
"I don't know anyone who talks like that."
"Well, she started watching Sex and the City, and because she finds Samantha the most offensive, she has decided to try to be the most like her."
"Weird, well she didn't drop any F bombs."
"She's watching the TBS version."
"What's a P.A.P."
"A Park Avenue Princess. You're lucky she didn't get to make a pun about anything. They're usually horrible and make no sense. But enough about that. Since you were so against wiffle ball, I found this kickball and thought we'd try that out instead."
"You stole it from a kid didn't you?"
"Not important."
"Ok, slow and bouncy."
At that moment Catie was circling back by and shouted 'that's what she said.' Lauren looked in her direction with a shocked expression. Beth, however, was casting an angry stare in Lauren's direction.
"Did you just try to order a style of roll from me? What is this, 3rd grade? You'll get what I give you."
"I quit."
"Nooo...."
Die Bank
"So then I looked at her and said 'listen, if you don't like the way I do things then you can just go to hell. Cause I run things around here and people do what I say. Aight? We good.' And then she didn't know what to say. She looked at me like she was gonna cry and I just looked back, then I said 'what, bitch?' I shut her down. "
"No you didn't. I was there. You didn't say any of that."
Beth stared into the air thinking for a moment after Lauren disputed her comments.
"Oh yeah. I forgot."
"How often do you make stuff like that up?"
"Honestly, I don't know. I've lost track. Anyway, how are things going with the gorillas?"
"Well I don't work with them...."
"Oh! What was the deal with that fight? I heard that the dad ripped off the baby's leg. Wait, so you didn't see the fight?"
"I saw it, I was there. That's the reason I don't work with the gorillas anymore. It's really complicated to explain and I don't want to say anymore than that. Ok?"
"No. Not ok. That's not an acceptable answer. Tell me what happened."
"All I feel like saying is that I no longer work with the gorillas. And I now work with the goats, donkeys, and tortoises in the petting zoo."
"Oh I bet that's awful."
"It is! You wouldn't believe how rough it gets there. The cliques, the battle to be the alpha. It's ridiculous. And Jezebel is always…"
"I was talking about having to deal with kids all day."
"Well… Why are you looking at everyone like that."
Beth and Lauren had been sitting in the waiting area of a bank for a while as Beth waited to meet with a manager. People streamed in and out and as they did Beth made aggressive contact with them.
"I'm just letting them know that I see them."
"Why?"
"In case they break any laws while they're here today."
"I think you're breaking some sort of harassment law whenever you look at them like that. Hey that's Hilary something…"
"Gritton."
At that moment Hilary Gritton, Brittany Pike's nemesis, walked into the bank. Beth moved her eyes from Hilary to Lauren as Hilary walked by.
"Yeah, how do you know her? Brittany Pike hates her."
"I took ballet with her growing up."
"You were in ballet? I never pegged you for a graceful person."
"I'm not. But the only person that was worse than me was Hilary Gritton. She could barely stand up straight, let alone do any of the stances. But it wasn't a big deal because she was so quiet and sweet. All that changed whenever our old, french ballet instructor moved and our new teacher came. She changed everything, and she was especially hard on Hilary. She'd always scream 'niedriger, Hilary, niedriger!'"
"What?"
'She was german. She kind of brought a military tone to the class. I ended up quitting, almost everyone did. But Hilary ended up thriving, and ultimately became the peer leader. Then Hilary started screaming at everyone. I remember, I quit the day that she told me 'Jesus wouldn't let a bad dancer enter Heaven.' We were 8. And she said it in German."
"Yeah, that sucks."
"Very much so."
At that moment, Hilary walked back by Beth and Lauren without looking at them. Beth, however, had her eyes all over Hilary. If it had been a cartoon, her eyes would have stretched from her face and analyzed every aspect of Hilary in the event she decided to rob the place. Once Hilary left the bank, Beth turned to Lauren.
"Why are we here anyway?"
"I don't know. I thought you wanted to come here."
"No I don't need anything." Beth started to rise from her seat. "Oh yeah, I need to get a new pin. And the 1-800 number offered no help."
"Why don't you just do it at the ATM."
"Because I don't want to."
"You have an awful memory. You need to start writing everything down on your hand."
"Ooo, speaking of which. Did you see that Sarah Palin was recently…"
"Wait, before you start, all those news channels lift whatever they want out of film or print so it sounds juicier than it really is. Everything sounds crazy and interesting when you can't see it in the big picture"
"If you say it you say it, that's just how it is. Putting it into context can't alter anything that drastically."
"Hell yes it can. I can't tell you how many Fefe Dobson songs I own because the thirty second preview on itunes sounded good."
"Ohhhh, I've been wondering about that."
"How do you know I have them."
"When you aren't in the room I go through your phone."
"Oh ok."
"No you didn't. I was there. You didn't say any of that."
Beth stared into the air thinking for a moment after Lauren disputed her comments.
"Oh yeah. I forgot."
"How often do you make stuff like that up?"
"Honestly, I don't know. I've lost track. Anyway, how are things going with the gorillas?"
"Well I don't work with them...."
"Oh! What was the deal with that fight? I heard that the dad ripped off the baby's leg. Wait, so you didn't see the fight?"
"I saw it, I was there. That's the reason I don't work with the gorillas anymore. It's really complicated to explain and I don't want to say anymore than that. Ok?"
"No. Not ok. That's not an acceptable answer. Tell me what happened."
"All I feel like saying is that I no longer work with the gorillas. And I now work with the goats, donkeys, and tortoises in the petting zoo."
"Oh I bet that's awful."
"It is! You wouldn't believe how rough it gets there. The cliques, the battle to be the alpha. It's ridiculous. And Jezebel is always…"
"I was talking about having to deal with kids all day."
"Well… Why are you looking at everyone like that."
Beth and Lauren had been sitting in the waiting area of a bank for a while as Beth waited to meet with a manager. People streamed in and out and as they did Beth made aggressive contact with them.
"I'm just letting them know that I see them."
"Why?"
"In case they break any laws while they're here today."
"I think you're breaking some sort of harassment law whenever you look at them like that. Hey that's Hilary something…"
"Gritton."
At that moment Hilary Gritton, Brittany Pike's nemesis, walked into the bank. Beth moved her eyes from Hilary to Lauren as Hilary walked by.
"Yeah, how do you know her? Brittany Pike hates her."
"I took ballet with her growing up."
"You were in ballet? I never pegged you for a graceful person."
"I'm not. But the only person that was worse than me was Hilary Gritton. She could barely stand up straight, let alone do any of the stances. But it wasn't a big deal because she was so quiet and sweet. All that changed whenever our old, french ballet instructor moved and our new teacher came. She changed everything, and she was especially hard on Hilary. She'd always scream 'niedriger, Hilary, niedriger!'"
"What?"
'She was german. She kind of brought a military tone to the class. I ended up quitting, almost everyone did. But Hilary ended up thriving, and ultimately became the peer leader. Then Hilary started screaming at everyone. I remember, I quit the day that she told me 'Jesus wouldn't let a bad dancer enter Heaven.' We were 8. And she said it in German."
"Yeah, that sucks."
"Very much so."
At that moment, Hilary walked back by Beth and Lauren without looking at them. Beth, however, had her eyes all over Hilary. If it had been a cartoon, her eyes would have stretched from her face and analyzed every aspect of Hilary in the event she decided to rob the place. Once Hilary left the bank, Beth turned to Lauren.
"Why are we here anyway?"
"I don't know. I thought you wanted to come here."
"No I don't need anything." Beth started to rise from her seat. "Oh yeah, I need to get a new pin. And the 1-800 number offered no help."
"Why don't you just do it at the ATM."
"Because I don't want to."
"You have an awful memory. You need to start writing everything down on your hand."
"Ooo, speaking of which. Did you see that Sarah Palin was recently…"
"Wait, before you start, all those news channels lift whatever they want out of film or print so it sounds juicier than it really is. Everything sounds crazy and interesting when you can't see it in the big picture"
"If you say it you say it, that's just how it is. Putting it into context can't alter anything that drastically."
"Hell yes it can. I can't tell you how many Fefe Dobson songs I own because the thirty second preview on itunes sounded good."
"Ohhhh, I've been wondering about that."
"How do you know I have them."
"When you aren't in the room I go through your phone."
"Oh ok."
The Nemesis
“Bye girls! This was too fun, I love when we get together. And Hil-Cat, your hair is too cute!”
“Oh no.”
As Brittany Pike shouted her goodbyes to her friends, Beth knew of the impeding anger that was sure to come her way. Not only was Brittany Pike giving her friends nicknames that were the same syllabic length as their actual names, she was using the overly cheerily, high pitched voice she only brought out when she was highly upset.
“Well isn't this some bullshit!” Brittany Pike threw herself into the driver's seat and slammed the door.
“Well you should have told them the truth instead of making me act like it was my boyfriend.”
“Oh, so now this is all my fault?”
“Yes. This is all your fault. You have no one to be mad at but yourself. Don't try to deflect the blame here. You're the one that thinks Gary's addicted to porn. Why didn't you tell them instead of making me?”
“Well I didn't think they'd find you all relatable and stuff. They told you stuff that they've never told me. I should have come out looking like the champ just then. Why haven't you apologized yet?”
“For what?”
“Once you saw that you were a hit you should have told them the truth.”
“Absolutely not. I was going to take the hit if I looked like an asshole, so why would I give away the glory if that's what the result happened to be?”
“Because. That's what friends do.”
“Quit whipping crap like that out. Not once have you done anything that has benefited me or Lauren.”
“Then why do you guys hang out with me.”
“Because Lauren lives with you for practically nothing, and you make us feel good about ourselves.”
“I do do a great job at boosting people's moods. See I am a good friend.”
“What? No I mean... well forget it.”
Brittany Pike continued airing her grievances she drove aimlessly down the road, lacking a calm demeanor and basic social norms that one would apply to driving. She careened in and out of traffic, tailgated cars, ran several lights, all while she continued to vent.
“And I've never told you this, but I hate Hilary.”
“Oh, what'd Hil-Cat do?”
“Well, one day I was at the mall and I saw her with Kalee and Erin. So I call her from across the way...”
“Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you just go up to her?”
“Don't interrupt me. And because I was getting a massage.”
“In the middle of the mall? In one of those chairs, wasn't that awkward?”
“I said 'don't interrupt me.' So I call her, put the phone up to my ear and watch. This bitch looks at her phone, and says with a frown on her face, 'ugh, it's Brittany Pike,' then answers. So my voice started to crack and get all high pitched but I regained composure as always and did a good job of keeping it calm.”
“I'm sure. But what did you say to her once you saw her do that?”
“Well, I couldn't let her know that I was mad?”
“Why not?”
“Cause you keep your friends close, and your enemies...”
“Stop watching VH1. And can you chill out with this minivan. Oh-my-god... You've been tailgating them for like 2 minutes now.”
The minivan they were behind went on as Brittany Pike veered on to the freeway on ramp. As she passed the automobile she glanced into their car to see that she was receiving a certain gesture that is common in high stress road situations. Beth expected this much from the car. However, she didn't expect Brittany Pike's retaliation gesture which differed in so many ways from the one she had just received.
“What was that!?”
“That was me putting that soccer mom in her place.”
“By doing that? That seemed more like an invitation to a trucker.”
“What? No, that was me telling her to fuck off.”
“How? You were acting out stuff that the kids in her back seat shouldn't have seen.”
“Well I had to give her a piece of my mind.”
“I thought you quit saying that. Honestly, your entire vocabulary comes straight from an episode of 'Rock of Love.'”
“One time I missed a final because a marathon of that was on. Well, almost missed. I ran across campus and made it just in the nick of time. I was kind of sweaty though. And that bitch Hilary was in class with me and she kept giving me a weird look.”
“Was this after you called her at the mall, too?”
“Yeah. This is all Hilary's fault.”
“Oh no.”
As Brittany Pike shouted her goodbyes to her friends, Beth knew of the impeding anger that was sure to come her way. Not only was Brittany Pike giving her friends nicknames that were the same syllabic length as their actual names, she was using the overly cheerily, high pitched voice she only brought out when she was highly upset.
“Well isn't this some bullshit!” Brittany Pike threw herself into the driver's seat and slammed the door.
“Well you should have told them the truth instead of making me act like it was my boyfriend.”
“Oh, so now this is all my fault?”
“Yes. This is all your fault. You have no one to be mad at but yourself. Don't try to deflect the blame here. You're the one that thinks Gary's addicted to porn. Why didn't you tell them instead of making me?”
“Well I didn't think they'd find you all relatable and stuff. They told you stuff that they've never told me. I should have come out looking like the champ just then. Why haven't you apologized yet?”
“For what?”
“Once you saw that you were a hit you should have told them the truth.”
“Absolutely not. I was going to take the hit if I looked like an asshole, so why would I give away the glory if that's what the result happened to be?”
“Because. That's what friends do.”
“Quit whipping crap like that out. Not once have you done anything that has benefited me or Lauren.”
“Then why do you guys hang out with me.”
“Because Lauren lives with you for practically nothing, and you make us feel good about ourselves.”
“I do do a great job at boosting people's moods. See I am a good friend.”
“What? No I mean... well forget it.”
Brittany Pike continued airing her grievances she drove aimlessly down the road, lacking a calm demeanor and basic social norms that one would apply to driving. She careened in and out of traffic, tailgated cars, ran several lights, all while she continued to vent.
“And I've never told you this, but I hate Hilary.”
“Oh, what'd Hil-Cat do?”
“Well, one day I was at the mall and I saw her with Kalee and Erin. So I call her from across the way...”
“Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you just go up to her?”
“Don't interrupt me. And because I was getting a massage.”
“In the middle of the mall? In one of those chairs, wasn't that awkward?”
“I said 'don't interrupt me.' So I call her, put the phone up to my ear and watch. This bitch looks at her phone, and says with a frown on her face, 'ugh, it's Brittany Pike,' then answers. So my voice started to crack and get all high pitched but I regained composure as always and did a good job of keeping it calm.”
“I'm sure. But what did you say to her once you saw her do that?”
“Well, I couldn't let her know that I was mad?”
“Why not?”
“Cause you keep your friends close, and your enemies...”
“Stop watching VH1. And can you chill out with this minivan. Oh-my-god... You've been tailgating them for like 2 minutes now.”
The minivan they were behind went on as Brittany Pike veered on to the freeway on ramp. As she passed the automobile she glanced into their car to see that she was receiving a certain gesture that is common in high stress road situations. Beth expected this much from the car. However, she didn't expect Brittany Pike's retaliation gesture which differed in so many ways from the one she had just received.
“What was that!?”
“That was me putting that soccer mom in her place.”
“By doing that? That seemed more like an invitation to a trucker.”
“What? No, that was me telling her to fuck off.”
“How? You were acting out stuff that the kids in her back seat shouldn't have seen.”
“Well I had to give her a piece of my mind.”
“I thought you quit saying that. Honestly, your entire vocabulary comes straight from an episode of 'Rock of Love.'”
“One time I missed a final because a marathon of that was on. Well, almost missed. I ran across campus and made it just in the nick of time. I was kind of sweaty though. And that bitch Hilary was in class with me and she kept giving me a weird look.”
“Was this after you called her at the mall, too?”
“Yeah. This is all Hilary's fault.”
The Horror, The Horror
“I still remember that day. The air was hot and thick in such a way that my steering wheel was covered by a fine layer of dirt. The only thing I wanted to do was lay on the couch, with the air conditioner blasting, watching a movie. Maybe Mary Poppins. Or maybe even A Home of Our Own. But I had made a promise to myself. And I had to keep it.
“I grabbed the bags out of the backseat of my car and began walking to my destination. A collection of guys had assembled outside a nearby establishment. I knew what they were thinking. 'Look at her. So confident, so powerful.' They wished I were their girlfriends. Or that there girlfriends were like me. I threw my head around to toss my hair since the weather wouldn't cooperate and give me the elements I needed.
“The door flew open and that familiar 'ding' that one associates with small hometown stores rang out. Moments of my childhood flashed before my eyes. I remembered walking into little boutiques with my parents, the store owners knew our names. They would always hand me a sucker, and talk to my parents as I ran through the store hiding from my brothers and sisters beneath the racks of clothing. But this was neither that time, nor that place.
“She said, 'welcome to Plato's Closet.' And I felt welcomed. I felt so welcomed. I walked towards the girl with a smile on my face and heaved with all my might the two garbage bags stuffed to total capacity with clothing from years past. 'I'd like to sell these,' I told her. She started rummaging through the collection as I began to wonder around the store to kill the time. I seemed to float through the aisles, gently grazing all of the clothing that hung from the seemingly endless racks. The outfit of my dreams was waiting for me, at Express.
“I floated back to the counter as the girl and her boss seemed to be finishing up with my clothes. The girl looked at me. She... She looked at me and said, 'we don't want any of this.' I was shocked. Perplexed. Stunned. Was there something wrong with my LEI jeans? Were those Baby Phat boots not good enough for them? Was I not good enough for them?
“I did what I could to keep the red out of my face and make things seem as cool as they were when I came in. 'Oh no problem, you can just give them to Goodwill or whatever.' I wanted to stay in control. I didn't want to lose the last shred of dignity I had left. But they robbed me of it. 'Oh, we don't do that.'
They were telling me that not only did they not like me. But they wanted me to pick myself and get out of there.
“How could I face those guys again. I was there goddess. They held me on such a pedestal and here I was. A fallen woman. How could I summon the confidence than I held when I entered this place. This place that accepts 'gently used clothes' of all kinds. My ass. I hated them for not giving me the money I wanted. I hated them for making me carry my stuff back out. But I mainly hated them for the shame they instilled in me, and the fear, the horror, that I now felt.
“The garbage bag strings pulled on my hands. The weight of their contents seemed to mirror the weight of the world that now seemed to be on my shoulders. The plastic cut into the palms of my hands in an effort to create a new line. The three I had were fine. But maybe this day held a new plan for me. A new path that I should follow. A new...”
“Excuse me Beth, can I see you in the kitchen for a moment.”
Beth stood up and walked with Brittany Pike into the kitchen.
“What in the hell is going on in there. You're supposed to be asking for advice on what to do if your boyfriend is addicted to porn.”
“Calm down, I'm going to. I can't launch into that question when I'm asked why I won't host a yard sale." Beth starts staring into a void intensely. "I wish it was for the same reason as others. I don't like used stuff. It's too hot outside. But no..."
“Stop it! Why do you keep doing that?”
“What?”
“Staring intensely at nothing whenever you talk. You look like Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice. This isn't some deep secret you've been festering over for years.”
“Yes it is! Besides, when did I do that.”
“The entire time you were telling that stupid story.”
“Take it back!”
“Ok, sorry. Just focus. We have a mission here. Get back in there.”
“I grabbed the bags out of the backseat of my car and began walking to my destination. A collection of guys had assembled outside a nearby establishment. I knew what they were thinking. 'Look at her. So confident, so powerful.' They wished I were their girlfriends. Or that there girlfriends were like me. I threw my head around to toss my hair since the weather wouldn't cooperate and give me the elements I needed.
“The door flew open and that familiar 'ding' that one associates with small hometown stores rang out. Moments of my childhood flashed before my eyes. I remembered walking into little boutiques with my parents, the store owners knew our names. They would always hand me a sucker, and talk to my parents as I ran through the store hiding from my brothers and sisters beneath the racks of clothing. But this was neither that time, nor that place.
“She said, 'welcome to Plato's Closet.' And I felt welcomed. I felt so welcomed. I walked towards the girl with a smile on my face and heaved with all my might the two garbage bags stuffed to total capacity with clothing from years past. 'I'd like to sell these,' I told her. She started rummaging through the collection as I began to wonder around the store to kill the time. I seemed to float through the aisles, gently grazing all of the clothing that hung from the seemingly endless racks. The outfit of my dreams was waiting for me, at Express.
“I floated back to the counter as the girl and her boss seemed to be finishing up with my clothes. The girl looked at me. She... She looked at me and said, 'we don't want any of this.' I was shocked. Perplexed. Stunned. Was there something wrong with my LEI jeans? Were those Baby Phat boots not good enough for them? Was I not good enough for them?
“I did what I could to keep the red out of my face and make things seem as cool as they were when I came in. 'Oh no problem, you can just give them to Goodwill or whatever.' I wanted to stay in control. I didn't want to lose the last shred of dignity I had left. But they robbed me of it. 'Oh, we don't do that.'
They were telling me that not only did they not like me. But they wanted me to pick myself and get out of there.
“How could I face those guys again. I was there goddess. They held me on such a pedestal and here I was. A fallen woman. How could I summon the confidence than I held when I entered this place. This place that accepts 'gently used clothes' of all kinds. My ass. I hated them for not giving me the money I wanted. I hated them for making me carry my stuff back out. But I mainly hated them for the shame they instilled in me, and the fear, the horror, that I now felt.
“The garbage bag strings pulled on my hands. The weight of their contents seemed to mirror the weight of the world that now seemed to be on my shoulders. The plastic cut into the palms of my hands in an effort to create a new line. The three I had were fine. But maybe this day held a new plan for me. A new path that I should follow. A new...”
“Excuse me Beth, can I see you in the kitchen for a moment.”
Beth stood up and walked with Brittany Pike into the kitchen.
“What in the hell is going on in there. You're supposed to be asking for advice on what to do if your boyfriend is addicted to porn.”
“Calm down, I'm going to. I can't launch into that question when I'm asked why I won't host a yard sale." Beth starts staring into a void intensely. "I wish it was for the same reason as others. I don't like used stuff. It's too hot outside. But no..."
“Stop it! Why do you keep doing that?”
“What?”
“Staring intensely at nothing whenever you talk. You look like Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice. This isn't some deep secret you've been festering over for years.”
“Yes it is! Besides, when did I do that.”
“The entire time you were telling that stupid story.”
“Take it back!”
“Ok, sorry. Just focus. We have a mission here. Get back in there.”
The Favor
Lauren and Beth walked into Lauren and Brittany Pike's apartment to find Brittany Pike hunched over her computer trying to log in to her gmail account. From all the expletives erupting from her mouth it was clear she was having difficulty.
“You know you can just hit, 'forgot password,' and it will help you remember what your password is,” Lauren informed.
“This is Gary's account, not mine,” Pike said as her typing progressed more towards punishing the keyboard than actually cracking the code.
Beth sat down next to her, suddenly invested in the situation. “What's his mom's maiden name.”
“Obama. I give up.” Brittany Pike closed the laptop.
“Obama? You don't believe that do you?”
“Forget it, I actually need to talk to you.” Brittany Pike turned to face Beth and looked very serious.
“Why, what? Is this about him getting sick?”
“No, I think Gary's addicted to Porn.”
Lauren broke in, “Okay, why are you sticking with a guy named Gary Obama who's addicted to porn?”
Brittany Pike stood up, her lip quivering and stormed to her bedroom and slammed the door. Lauren turned to Beth.
“So why would you think that this has something to do with him being sick?”
Beth looked around and brought her voice down to a whisper.
“Don't tell Brittany Pike this, but whenever her and Gary were over at my place last week I was pretty sick. I felt like I was gonna die but I don't have insurance so I couldn't do anything about it. Gary however, does. So whenever no one was in the room I took a drink of his 2 liter of root beer. Then once he got sick, I got my diagnosis through him.”
“That's the worst thing I've ever heard. What'd you have?”
“He wouldn't say. I'm terrified it's AIDS.”
“Why would it be AIDS? And do you really think you could give it to him through drinking after one another?”
Brittany Pike walked back in with a shockingly happy look on her face.
“So Lauren, how's everything going at the zoo?”
“Oh. Umm... pretty good so far. Actually, it's weird. When I'm around the gorillas for too long I get this overwhelming desire to start dominating everyone around me.”
Brittany Pike's smile was slowly fading. Beth asked, “what does that mean.”
“Well, I guess it's because I'm around all of these animals who kind of live that way. So I just get wrapped up in it. I keep finding myself talking about Ultimate Fighting Championships and calling everyone a bitch.”
“So that's why your status update yesterday said 'Lauren Scott is putting punk bitches in their place.”
“Yeah, I actually got a write-up over that. This five year old girl kept trying to act like she knew everything about the gorillas so I had to correct her. I don't know what's wrong with me.”
Brittany Pike, now angry, broke in.
“How did we get on this subject in the first place!?”
“You brought it up bitch.”
Beth tried to pacify the situation. “Lauren, calm down. There are no gorillas here.”
Brittany Pike finished, “If you guys were my real friends you would have known that I was just being polite, and you guys, being polite should have probed me further about Gary's porn obsession.”
Beth began, “Well..”
Brittany Pike broke in again, “Forget it, here's what I want. Beth, tomorrow I need you to go with me tomorrow to lunch with my friends and talk to them about it like it's your problem. That way I can hear what they say, and since they don't know you they'll definitely be honest about it.
“Oh I'm sure.”
“I would have asked Lauren, but she's single, and these friends are serious fact checkers.”
“Awesome.”
“You know you can just hit, 'forgot password,' and it will help you remember what your password is,” Lauren informed.
“This is Gary's account, not mine,” Pike said as her typing progressed more towards punishing the keyboard than actually cracking the code.
Beth sat down next to her, suddenly invested in the situation. “What's his mom's maiden name.”
“Obama. I give up.” Brittany Pike closed the laptop.
“Obama? You don't believe that do you?”
“Forget it, I actually need to talk to you.” Brittany Pike turned to face Beth and looked very serious.
“Why, what? Is this about him getting sick?”
“No, I think Gary's addicted to Porn.”
Lauren broke in, “Okay, why are you sticking with a guy named Gary Obama who's addicted to porn?”
Brittany Pike stood up, her lip quivering and stormed to her bedroom and slammed the door. Lauren turned to Beth.
“So why would you think that this has something to do with him being sick?”
Beth looked around and brought her voice down to a whisper.
“Don't tell Brittany Pike this, but whenever her and Gary were over at my place last week I was pretty sick. I felt like I was gonna die but I don't have insurance so I couldn't do anything about it. Gary however, does. So whenever no one was in the room I took a drink of his 2 liter of root beer. Then once he got sick, I got my diagnosis through him.”
“That's the worst thing I've ever heard. What'd you have?”
“He wouldn't say. I'm terrified it's AIDS.”
“Why would it be AIDS? And do you really think you could give it to him through drinking after one another?”
Brittany Pike walked back in with a shockingly happy look on her face.
“So Lauren, how's everything going at the zoo?”
“Oh. Umm... pretty good so far. Actually, it's weird. When I'm around the gorillas for too long I get this overwhelming desire to start dominating everyone around me.”
Brittany Pike's smile was slowly fading. Beth asked, “what does that mean.”
“Well, I guess it's because I'm around all of these animals who kind of live that way. So I just get wrapped up in it. I keep finding myself talking about Ultimate Fighting Championships and calling everyone a bitch.”
“So that's why your status update yesterday said 'Lauren Scott is putting punk bitches in their place.”
“Yeah, I actually got a write-up over that. This five year old girl kept trying to act like she knew everything about the gorillas so I had to correct her. I don't know what's wrong with me.”
Brittany Pike, now angry, broke in.
“How did we get on this subject in the first place!?”
“You brought it up bitch.”
Beth tried to pacify the situation. “Lauren, calm down. There are no gorillas here.”
Brittany Pike finished, “If you guys were my real friends you would have known that I was just being polite, and you guys, being polite should have probed me further about Gary's porn obsession.”
Beth began, “Well..”
Brittany Pike broke in again, “Forget it, here's what I want. Beth, tomorrow I need you to go with me tomorrow to lunch with my friends and talk to them about it like it's your problem. That way I can hear what they say, and since they don't know you they'll definitely be honest about it.
“Oh I'm sure.”
“I would have asked Lauren, but she's single, and these friends are serious fact checkers.”
“Awesome.”
The Snow
“GOD DAMN IT!”
Brittany Pike walked into the apartment and threw a loaf of bread against the couch.
“What happened? Where's the ham?” Lauren was genuinely concerned, but also pretty hungry. Winter was in full effect, and with it, the hysteria associated with snow. Brittany Pike had journeyed to the grocery to get a couple of basic things that her and Lauren needed for their apartment. Looking exhausted she collapsed onto the couch beside the bread.
“It was chaos there. The shelves were pretty much empty of everything we wanted. I couldn't look for a lot though, there was just so much going on I had to get what I could and leave. I had to take this bread out of someones cart.”
“Brittany!”
“No, it was fine. She had her back turned and even if she had started to turn around, she was using a walker so it would have taken a minute.”
“That is unacceptable.”
“No, whats unacceptable is people around here freaking out whenever four inches of snow is forecast. It's only four inches. No ones going to starve in that matter of what, hours, that it's unsafe to drive? But what's really unacceptable is that fear-mongering Kevin Harned. If it weren't for him and all his, 'will it or won't it' crap, people wouldn't get so worked up. I hate him!”
“Well, that sucks, but calm down. Just relax for a minute then we can run back to the grocery and get some ham and all that other stuff.”
“WE? What do you mean we?!”
“Fine, geez. I'll go by myself. You need to quit watching so many soap operas.”
Brittany grabbed her laptop and jerked it over on to her stomach. “I'm sending him a message.”
“Who? Kevin Harned?”
“Yep, that bitch is gonna get a piece of my mind.”
“Stop saying people are gonna get a 'piece of your mind.'”
“Why?”
“It's like when someone says 'psyche' or 'negative' or something. It was annoying in the nineties, and its maintained its annoying status even though it's left the mainstream way of talking.”
Brittany Pike started replying under her breath while typing with severity, “I'm about to give you a piece of my mind if you don't...”
“Alright, forget it! I'll be back.”
Lauren grabbed her keys and left for the grocery. She returned in the early evening, just in time for the news. Brittany Pike was in the restroom and walked out as Lauren turned on the tv.
“What are you going to watch?”
“The news. You were freaked out, plus everyone at Kroger did seem to know something I didn't. So I thought I'd see exactly what was being said.”
“I think that Kroger and the meteorologist in this town have some sort of deal. Kevin Harned and company get everyone worked up so they run to the grocery and buy up stuff they don't need. They could be giving kickbacks to the meteorologist. They've gotta be! Doesn't that make everything seem more rational?”
“What happened on General Hospital today?”
“Oh! Well Jax found the tape of Claudia putting a hit out on Sonny...”
Lauren turned the volume up to a point that Brittany Pike couldn't be heard. Kevin Harned stood in front of the map of the United States. His mood was much more somber than usual.
“Well it looks as though we'll get some snow tonight... It shouldn't be too much though... I mean weather can.. is sometimes so unpredictable that you can never know exactly what's going to happen until it's happening. It will definitely get colder tonight. I can't give you an exact estimate of how cold though... And it's going to snow... well it should snow, but you never know. I mean I wouldn't bet my life on it or anything... ummm...”
“Brittany! What did you send to him?!”
With her hands perched triumphantly behind her head she said, “I just told him that he needed to get his facts straight before he whipped people into these frenzies.”
“That's it? Why does he seem so sad?”
“I may have used a couple of curse words. And made an ironic joke.”
“Let me read it.”
Brittany grabbed her computer and slid it over to Lauren, who was shocked to find out that the messaging had happened on Facebook.
“You're friends with him on Facebook? Why did he add you?”
“I added him.”
“Why?”
“I don't know, just read it if you're gonna.”
After scanning the message she slowly closed the computer.
“I can't believe you are cyber bullying Kevin Harned.”
“What are you talking about? Did you even read what I wrote? You must have not gotten the joke.”
“Yes. Not only was that joke not ironic, it was also far from funny.”
“Yes it was.”
“No it's not, you use ironic where most people would use the word 'weird.' They're too very different things. And joking about a weatherman dying in a snowstorm... that's not very funny. That's creepy.”
“Oh well, he needed to be taken down a peg or two.”
“No, you need to. Did you even read his response?”
“No.”
“It says 'Brittany Pike, I'm sorry that I disappointed you. Thanks for being my friend.'”
Brittany Pike's face seemed to register some remorse. Her anger had changed to concern. She slowly reached over to take the computer from Lauren's lap. Lauren watching her, was proud to see her roommate calm down and see the error of her ways. She placed both her hands on her heart as if she were watching a touching moment in a movie. Brittany Pike just sat looking at the computer for a moment deciding her next course of action as Lauren watched on. Then finally, she took action, clicking as severely as she had typed before.
“Delete.”
Brittany Pike walked into the apartment and threw a loaf of bread against the couch.
“What happened? Where's the ham?” Lauren was genuinely concerned, but also pretty hungry. Winter was in full effect, and with it, the hysteria associated with snow. Brittany Pike had journeyed to the grocery to get a couple of basic things that her and Lauren needed for their apartment. Looking exhausted she collapsed onto the couch beside the bread.
“It was chaos there. The shelves were pretty much empty of everything we wanted. I couldn't look for a lot though, there was just so much going on I had to get what I could and leave. I had to take this bread out of someones cart.”
“Brittany!”
“No, it was fine. She had her back turned and even if she had started to turn around, she was using a walker so it would have taken a minute.”
“That is unacceptable.”
“No, whats unacceptable is people around here freaking out whenever four inches of snow is forecast. It's only four inches. No ones going to starve in that matter of what, hours, that it's unsafe to drive? But what's really unacceptable is that fear-mongering Kevin Harned. If it weren't for him and all his, 'will it or won't it' crap, people wouldn't get so worked up. I hate him!”
“Well, that sucks, but calm down. Just relax for a minute then we can run back to the grocery and get some ham and all that other stuff.”
“WE? What do you mean we?!”
“Fine, geez. I'll go by myself. You need to quit watching so many soap operas.”
Brittany grabbed her laptop and jerked it over on to her stomach. “I'm sending him a message.”
“Who? Kevin Harned?”
“Yep, that bitch is gonna get a piece of my mind.”
“Stop saying people are gonna get a 'piece of your mind.'”
“Why?”
“It's like when someone says 'psyche' or 'negative' or something. It was annoying in the nineties, and its maintained its annoying status even though it's left the mainstream way of talking.”
Brittany Pike started replying under her breath while typing with severity, “I'm about to give you a piece of my mind if you don't...”
“Alright, forget it! I'll be back.”
Lauren grabbed her keys and left for the grocery. She returned in the early evening, just in time for the news. Brittany Pike was in the restroom and walked out as Lauren turned on the tv.
“What are you going to watch?”
“The news. You were freaked out, plus everyone at Kroger did seem to know something I didn't. So I thought I'd see exactly what was being said.”
“I think that Kroger and the meteorologist in this town have some sort of deal. Kevin Harned and company get everyone worked up so they run to the grocery and buy up stuff they don't need. They could be giving kickbacks to the meteorologist. They've gotta be! Doesn't that make everything seem more rational?”
“What happened on General Hospital today?”
“Oh! Well Jax found the tape of Claudia putting a hit out on Sonny...”
Lauren turned the volume up to a point that Brittany Pike couldn't be heard. Kevin Harned stood in front of the map of the United States. His mood was much more somber than usual.
“Well it looks as though we'll get some snow tonight... It shouldn't be too much though... I mean weather can.. is sometimes so unpredictable that you can never know exactly what's going to happen until it's happening. It will definitely get colder tonight. I can't give you an exact estimate of how cold though... And it's going to snow... well it should snow, but you never know. I mean I wouldn't bet my life on it or anything... ummm...”
“Brittany! What did you send to him?!”
With her hands perched triumphantly behind her head she said, “I just told him that he needed to get his facts straight before he whipped people into these frenzies.”
“That's it? Why does he seem so sad?”
“I may have used a couple of curse words. And made an ironic joke.”
“Let me read it.”
Brittany grabbed her computer and slid it over to Lauren, who was shocked to find out that the messaging had happened on Facebook.
“You're friends with him on Facebook? Why did he add you?”
“I added him.”
“Why?”
“I don't know, just read it if you're gonna.”
After scanning the message she slowly closed the computer.
“I can't believe you are cyber bullying Kevin Harned.”
“What are you talking about? Did you even read what I wrote? You must have not gotten the joke.”
“Yes. Not only was that joke not ironic, it was also far from funny.”
“Yes it was.”
“No it's not, you use ironic where most people would use the word 'weird.' They're too very different things. And joking about a weatherman dying in a snowstorm... that's not very funny. That's creepy.”
“Oh well, he needed to be taken down a peg or two.”
“No, you need to. Did you even read his response?”
“No.”
“It says 'Brittany Pike, I'm sorry that I disappointed you. Thanks for being my friend.'”
Brittany Pike's face seemed to register some remorse. Her anger had changed to concern. She slowly reached over to take the computer from Lauren's lap. Lauren watching her, was proud to see her roommate calm down and see the error of her ways. She placed both her hands on her heart as if she were watching a touching moment in a movie. Brittany Pike just sat looking at the computer for a moment deciding her next course of action as Lauren watched on. Then finally, she took action, clicking as severely as she had typed before.
“Delete.”
The Trip: Part 2
“You're just a little bitch aren't you? How's that seat feel bitch? You cozy up there bitch? If I had a bitch ass like you I'd be comfortable up there too. Awww, am I hurting your feelings bitch? Can you not handle this? Huh, what do I care if the kid behind me is listening, he's a bitch too. Turn around bitch, I don't want to see your face.”
What had I done to deserve this lashing, from Lauren of all people? Why I took the front seat on the roller coaster that she had been hoping to get herself. In my defense I was standing in front of her in the line, and Brittany Pike and I had already stated our desire for that seat as well. So naturally when it was our turn to get on we sprinted to it to claim our spot, and exert our dominance. We were foolish to think Lauren would take this lying down. Lauren was a different person outside of town. We liked to refer to her as 'Travel Lauren.' Anything could set her off, and you could always tell the rage was coming by how big her eyes were.
The day had started as amazing as it seems in the movies. The sun was out, birds were chirping, smiles on everyones faces. He strolled at a leisure pace through the park. There was no hurry, we had plenty of time, and besides, we were on vacation. We were all so comfortable with one another that there were times when we could go several minutes without saying a word to one another. On one occasion I had zoned out in our 'comfort silence' moment to see Beth prodding her piece of chicken with a finger as Lauren admired herself in her personal mirror.
I said, “Me and Lauren want to ride the ride that Ellen narrates.”
Then Brittany Pike said, “Oh, well I'm going to go look for this bakery I read about in the park.”
Then Beth said, “Ooooo, me too.”
We all agreed to part ways, but little did we know this is what would be our downfall. In continuing with our movie perfect day, the time Lauren and I spent together would have been perfectly suited for a movie montage. Perky music playing as one activity bested the one before it. Nothing had put a damper on our time together. Then my phone rang. It was Beth.
She said, “Where are you?”
I said, “Why, what do you want?” I could detect tension on her end of the line.
She said, “We want to meet back up. This has been awful, Brittany Pike didn't know where she was going, but she insisted she did, and we just kept walking around for hours. At one point she ran ahead of me and jumped on a monorail as the doors were closing and I was left behind at the station. I'm just ready to meet back up.”
Then I said, “Oh, that sucks. Well we're over by the big pond, just look for the tree, alright gotta get off here, talk to you soon.”
“Oh no Lauren, they want to ruin our day! They want to meet back up and they're both annoyed with one another. What do we do?”
At that moment Brittany Pike called Lauren.
Brittany Pike said, “Now where exactly are you, those directions were vague.”
Then Lauren said, “We're by the big pond, and then there's a big tree over here too.”
Then I said quietly so only Lauren could hear, “Yeah, keep it broad and general so they can't find us.”
Then Brittany Pike said, “Well we want to meet back up. This has been awful, it took me longer to find the place than I thought, and Beth was always a step behind me and I was in a hurry. At one point we had to catch the monorail and she was walking and texting so when I got on she wasn't paying attention so she missed it. I'm just ready to meet back up so she can follow you guys around.”
Then Lauren said, “Well we don't have to meet up, you guys can do your own thing, we're in no rush.”
Then Brittany Pike said, “Oh we see you,” and hung up the phone.
Lauren said to me, “Damn it, what do we do? They're going to erase the greatness that was this day.”
And they did. As a result of their bad moods ours were brought down too. As we exited a ride I apologized for how mediocre it was.
I said, “Sorry you guys, it wasn't as fun as I remembered it. I thought there was a little more action.”
The Lauren said, “Oh like when you made me watch all of Sister Act 2 last week because you were waiting for the action to start?”
Then I said, “Oh yeah? Well did you conveniently forget just minutes ago when you made me ride the Carousel of Progress? You certainly talked that up and I kept looking for ways to get out of there the whole time!”
Then Lauren said quietly to me, “Wait, we've got to stop. This is just what they wanted.”
And we stopped. And we got along perfectly. For the next seven minutes. At that point I sat in the spot she wanted on a roller coaster. An awful one at that.
What had I done to deserve this lashing, from Lauren of all people? Why I took the front seat on the roller coaster that she had been hoping to get herself. In my defense I was standing in front of her in the line, and Brittany Pike and I had already stated our desire for that seat as well. So naturally when it was our turn to get on we sprinted to it to claim our spot, and exert our dominance. We were foolish to think Lauren would take this lying down. Lauren was a different person outside of town. We liked to refer to her as 'Travel Lauren.' Anything could set her off, and you could always tell the rage was coming by how big her eyes were.
The day had started as amazing as it seems in the movies. The sun was out, birds were chirping, smiles on everyones faces. He strolled at a leisure pace through the park. There was no hurry, we had plenty of time, and besides, we were on vacation. We were all so comfortable with one another that there were times when we could go several minutes without saying a word to one another. On one occasion I had zoned out in our 'comfort silence' moment to see Beth prodding her piece of chicken with a finger as Lauren admired herself in her personal mirror.
I said, “Me and Lauren want to ride the ride that Ellen narrates.”
Then Brittany Pike said, “Oh, well I'm going to go look for this bakery I read about in the park.”
Then Beth said, “Ooooo, me too.”
We all agreed to part ways, but little did we know this is what would be our downfall. In continuing with our movie perfect day, the time Lauren and I spent together would have been perfectly suited for a movie montage. Perky music playing as one activity bested the one before it. Nothing had put a damper on our time together. Then my phone rang. It was Beth.
She said, “Where are you?”
I said, “Why, what do you want?” I could detect tension on her end of the line.
She said, “We want to meet back up. This has been awful, Brittany Pike didn't know where she was going, but she insisted she did, and we just kept walking around for hours. At one point she ran ahead of me and jumped on a monorail as the doors were closing and I was left behind at the station. I'm just ready to meet back up.”
Then I said, “Oh, that sucks. Well we're over by the big pond, just look for the tree, alright gotta get off here, talk to you soon.”
“Oh no Lauren, they want to ruin our day! They want to meet back up and they're both annoyed with one another. What do we do?”
At that moment Brittany Pike called Lauren.
Brittany Pike said, “Now where exactly are you, those directions were vague.”
Then Lauren said, “We're by the big pond, and then there's a big tree over here too.”
Then I said quietly so only Lauren could hear, “Yeah, keep it broad and general so they can't find us.”
Then Brittany Pike said, “Well we want to meet back up. This has been awful, it took me longer to find the place than I thought, and Beth was always a step behind me and I was in a hurry. At one point we had to catch the monorail and she was walking and texting so when I got on she wasn't paying attention so she missed it. I'm just ready to meet back up so she can follow you guys around.”
Then Lauren said, “Well we don't have to meet up, you guys can do your own thing, we're in no rush.”
Then Brittany Pike said, “Oh we see you,” and hung up the phone.
Lauren said to me, “Damn it, what do we do? They're going to erase the greatness that was this day.”
And they did. As a result of their bad moods ours were brought down too. As we exited a ride I apologized for how mediocre it was.
I said, “Sorry you guys, it wasn't as fun as I remembered it. I thought there was a little more action.”
The Lauren said, “Oh like when you made me watch all of Sister Act 2 last week because you were waiting for the action to start?”
Then I said, “Oh yeah? Well did you conveniently forget just minutes ago when you made me ride the Carousel of Progress? You certainly talked that up and I kept looking for ways to get out of there the whole time!”
Then Lauren said quietly to me, “Wait, we've got to stop. This is just what they wanted.”
And we stopped. And we got along perfectly. For the next seven minutes. At that point I sat in the spot she wanted on a roller coaster. An awful one at that.
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