Lauren and Beth walked into Lauren and Brittany Pike's apartment to find Brittany Pike hunched over her computer trying to log in to her gmail account. From all the expletives erupting from her mouth it was clear she was having difficulty.
“You know you can just hit, 'forgot password,' and it will help you remember what your password is,” Lauren informed.
“This is Gary's account, not mine,” Pike said as her typing progressed more towards punishing the keyboard than actually cracking the code.
Beth sat down next to her, suddenly invested in the situation. “What's his mom's maiden name.”
“Obama. I give up.” Brittany Pike closed the laptop.
“Obama? You don't believe that do you?”
“Forget it, I actually need to talk to you.” Brittany Pike turned to face Beth and looked very serious.
“Why, what? Is this about him getting sick?”
“No, I think Gary's addicted to Porn.”
Lauren broke in, “Okay, why are you sticking with a guy named Gary Obama who's addicted to porn?”
Brittany Pike stood up, her lip quivering and stormed to her bedroom and slammed the door. Lauren turned to Beth.
“So why would you think that this has something to do with him being sick?”
Beth looked around and brought her voice down to a whisper.
“Don't tell Brittany Pike this, but whenever her and Gary were over at my place last week I was pretty sick. I felt like I was gonna die but I don't have insurance so I couldn't do anything about it. Gary however, does. So whenever no one was in the room I took a drink of his 2 liter of root beer. Then once he got sick, I got my diagnosis through him.”
“That's the worst thing I've ever heard. What'd you have?”
“He wouldn't say. I'm terrified it's AIDS.”
“Why would it be AIDS? And do you really think you could give it to him through drinking after one another?”
Brittany Pike walked back in with a shockingly happy look on her face.
“So Lauren, how's everything going at the zoo?”
“Oh. Umm... pretty good so far. Actually, it's weird. When I'm around the gorillas for too long I get this overwhelming desire to start dominating everyone around me.”
Brittany Pike's smile was slowly fading. Beth asked, “what does that mean.”
“Well, I guess it's because I'm around all of these animals who kind of live that way. So I just get wrapped up in it. I keep finding myself talking about Ultimate Fighting Championships and calling everyone a bitch.”
“So that's why your status update yesterday said 'Lauren Scott is putting punk bitches in their place.”
“Yeah, I actually got a write-up over that. This five year old girl kept trying to act like she knew everything about the gorillas so I had to correct her. I don't know what's wrong with me.”
Brittany Pike, now angry, broke in.
“How did we get on this subject in the first place!?”
“You brought it up bitch.”
Beth tried to pacify the situation. “Lauren, calm down. There are no gorillas here.”
Brittany Pike finished, “If you guys were my real friends you would have known that I was just being polite, and you guys, being polite should have probed me further about Gary's porn obsession.”
Beth began, “Well..”
Brittany Pike broke in again, “Forget it, here's what I want. Beth, tomorrow I need you to go with me tomorrow to lunch with my friends and talk to them about it like it's your problem. That way I can hear what they say, and since they don't know you they'll definitely be honest about it.
“Oh I'm sure.”
“I would have asked Lauren, but she's single, and these friends are serious fact checkers.”